Why Rest Feels So Hard: Understanding Your Nervous System

SNS VS PNS NERVOUS SYSYTEM | WHY BURNOUT HAPPENS | WAYS TO SUPPORT YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM | sit with it monthly reset

Have you ever noticed that the moment life finally slows down, your mind gets more noisy?

Maybe you have been looking forward to a quiet evening all week, only to find yourself catching up on work, cleaning the house, or thinking about everything you should be doing instead. Or perhaps you have finally taken a vacation but still can't seem to relax. Your body feels tense, your thoughts keep racing, and instead of feeling refreshed, you find yourself reaching for your phone or searching for the next task. If this sounds familiar, you're not alone.

Many people assume they're simply bad at relaxing when in reality, difficulty resting often has much less to do with willpower and more so with the state of the nervous system.

At Black Lotus Mental Wellness, I often work with Black and Racialized women who describe feeling exhausted but are unable to slow down. The reality is that you aren't choosing stress, your body has simply adapted to functioning in a state of constant alertness. Understanding how your nervous system works can help make sense of why rest sometimes feels so difficult and, more importantly, how you can begin to experience it differently.

Sympathetic vs. Parasympathetic Nervous System

Your nervous system is working every second of every day, often without you noticing. It constantly gathers information from both your body and the world around you, asking one important question: Am I safe right now? When the answer is yes, your body can devote energy to rest, digestion, creativity, connection, learning, and recovery. Essentially you are in your ‘parasympathetic nervous system’ or rest and digest mode, which activates when you have access to tools and resources to keep you calm, and regulated.

When the answer is no, your body shifts into survival mode, activating your ‘sympathetic nervous system’ or fight, flight or freeze mode’. Your heart rate increases, your muscles tighten, your breathing changes, and your attention narrows towards whatever your mind requires your attention. These responses are survival mechanisms that our bodies have used to help us respond to danger.

The nervous system, however, doesn't only respond to physical threats. It also responds to chronic stress, caregiving, financial pressure, grief, difficult relationships, discrimination, burnout, and experiences that leave us feeling overwhelmed or unsupported. When those stressors continue for weeks, months, or years, the nervous system adapts.

That adaptation can be incredibly helpful while you're moving through difficult circumstances. It helps you keep going, solve problems, care for other people, and meet the demands in front of you. The challenge is that your nervous system doesn't always recognize when it is safe to shift into rest and digest mode, which is when we end up in a state of chronic stress.

Why Burnout Happens

One of the biggest misconceptions about chronic stress and burnout is that people simply ‘need more rest’. While physical rest is incredibly important, it isn't always easy when your system has become unfamiliar with ways to activate the rest and digest response.

If your nervous system has spent years preparing for the next problem, slowing down can actually feel unfamiliar. You may notice yourself checking your phone every time things become quiet, feeling guilty when you're not being productive, thinking about tomorrow's to-do list while trying to relax, or becoming frustrated because meditation feels difficult. These experiences are more common than people realize.

Many of the Black and Racialized women I have worked with, have spent years navigating environments where they were expected to work harder, carry more, care for others before themselves, or constantly prove their competence. Over time, those experiences can shape the nervous system in ways that make productivity feel familiar while rest feels uncomfortable.

Burnout isn't only about feeling tired. Many people are physically exhausted while remaining mentally "on." They long for rest but find it difficult to settle because their nervous system continues responding as though yesterday's stress is still happening today.

Changing Our Thoughts Isn't Always Enough

Many people come to therapy knowing exactly why they overwork, overthink, or struggle to slow down. They've read the books, listened to the podcasts, and understand where their stress comes from, yet the patterns continue. That's because the change required needs to happen in the mind as well as throughout the body.

This is one reason I integrate EMDR, mindfulness, and somatic practices into therapy. Together, these approaches help us explore both the emotional and physical ways stress is carried, supporting not only greater understanding but also a greater sense of regulation.

Ways to Support Your Nervous System

Supporting your nervous system doesn't require a perfect morning routine or hours of meditation. Often, small and consistent practices are far more sustainable than trying to change everything at once. One place to begin is simply noticing.

The next time you feel overwhelmed, pause for a moment before trying to fix it. Notice your shoulders, your jaw, your breathing. Ask yourself, What is my body doing right now? Developing awareness doesn't immediately change your nervous system, but it creates the opportunity to respond differently. Breath is another powerful place to start. When we are stressed, our breathing often becomes shallow without us realizing it. Try some of these practices:

• Inhale slowly through your nose for a count of four, and exhale slowly for a count of six. A longer exhale can signal to your nervous system that it may be safe to begin settling.

• Go for a mindfulness walk outside, noticing and naming what you see, what you hear, what you’re smelling, what you’re feeling and even what you’re tasting 

• Gentle movement or stretches to start to notice where tension, pain or discomfort is being held in your body. Start by stretching arms or legs to the side, or above your head

• Think of who your support people are and reach out to them by texting, calling or even setting up an in person meeting. Isolation can further exacerbate low mood or negative thoughts and feelings. 

Simply placing both feet on the ground while taking a slow breath can even provide your nervous system with new information about the present moment. These small practices remind your body that this moment is different from the ones that taught it to stay on high alert. You can also walk yourself through some of these self-awareness practices through our free workbook Nervous System Check-In Reset.

Sit With It: A Place to Rest & Reset

One of the reasons I created Sit With It, was because I know that slowing down isn't always something we can do on our own. Like any skill, nervous system regulation becomes easier with practice.

Each monthly gathering offers an opportunity to step away from the pace of everyday life and reconnect with yourself and reset the nervous system through guided practices based in breathwork, meditation, mindfulness and somatic practices that we can do community with other Black and Racialized women. There is no expectation to clear your mind or meditate perfectly. The invitation is simply to pause, notice what is present, and allow yourself time to pause without needing to earn it.

Learning to Rest is About More than Sleep

If rest feels difficult, there are absolutely ways to reset that practice. If you have worked with me in the past, you’ve probably heard me recommend the book “Rest: The 7 Types of Rest to Eliminate Burnout, Reduce Stress & Overcome Anxiety”. It is helpful in describing the ways we can expand our access to the parasympatetic nervous system, that fall outside of just physical rest, and incorporating other parts of your life to enhance your overall life satisfaction.

Over time, there have been so many ways your nervous system has learned to protect you from things that often could have been outside of your control. This is why a holistic approach that includes mind, body, community and ongoing practice, it can also learn that not every moment requires activation.

Learning to slow down doesn't happen overnight, and it also isn't about becoming perfectly calm all the time. It is about creating small moments where your body can begin to experience something different. If you are interested in learning more about nervous system regulation, individual therapy, or joining an upcoming Sit With Itsession, I'd love to connect with you. Together, we can explore what it might look like to move through life with a little more ease, one moment at a time.